Happily Ever After~

Three months down; a lifetime to go...

Rest assured for those who left off at the end of the last post; after overcoming the challenges of the first month things have drastically improved.

We have been studying 1Corinthians in church the last several weeks and learning more about love. I would like to say how ironic that is but I know better; God can orchestrate the timeliness of such things. We have been learning how love is not a feeling or an emotion but instead is an action, a verb, a choice. Agape love, which is what Jesus has taught us, is a sacrificial love. During that first oh so challenging month after meeting Kinley, I believed I wasn’t loving her. I had been waiting for this feeling to wash over me and for weeks it just wasn’t happening.

However, I am so thankful to better understand the truth. For all those weeks I was indeed loving my daughter…in China following her lead to allow her a sense of control, on our 13 hour flight staying awake to make certain she didn’t roll off her seat, once home allowing her to sleep in my arms avoiding the bedrooms and the entire upstairs as it caused her great anxiety, at mealtime permitting her to sit on my lap and feeding her exactly the bite of food she would point to, and staying by her side to offer comfort during tantrums that could last as long as an hour as she struggled through the grieving process. The list goes on and on as any adoptive parent can tell you.

So here I am to tell you, our life as it stands now has been pretty remarkable. We have all learned more about Kinley and Kinley has gained more trust in us. She has revealed to us where we each need to grow whether in patience or showing compassion. She has let her guard down enough to show us glimpses of her past. I have learned how selfish I can be and that I need to work harder to be selfless. My desires are a drop in the bucket compared to her needs.

And her personality, oh such personality. She is full of so much personality. She has just started waking in the morning without crying. Sometimes she likes me to rock her for a bit and occasionaly she'll climb into our bed for a few snuggles-something she is still getting used to. She likes to have a say so in what she is wearing. If she doesn't like what is picked out for her to wear, she'll let ya know. The girl loves her hair bows (which makes her big sisters very happy). Kinley loves craft projects and little school projects. If Liam is working in his kindergarten workbook, she wants to work in a workbook too. She is very detail oriented and will stick with a task until she is satisfied she has done a good job. The girl has got some coordination. With her swim vest on she can swim across the pool, she can hit the ball with her daddy pitching, she can do her splits and LOVES music and dancing. Her favorite song she calls "driving my car" and does the motions as she hears "driving in my car, driving far I'm a movie star, driving in my car, vroom, vroom, vroom". However, what she adores most is her ge' ge (big brother) Liam. We had hoped Liam would get a sibling that looks up to him and she sure does. Sometimes almost to a fault. We have had to come up with some strategies to make taking turns fair. Early on Kinley wanted basically whatever Liam had. If it was her turn to go first, she would defer to Liam and then pick what Liam had for herself! As time goes on, she is venturing out and thinking more independently. However, if the "Littles" are apart from each other for too much time, they are both asking about each other.

Most amazingly perhaps is how genuine our love for each other has become. Early on we may have been demonstrating loving gestures, however, the total transformation of our hearts in just 3 months has been life changing. When I hold her, she now molds herself into my body. When we are apart, I ache for her. When I think of her, I smile. She looks at me knowingly for a thumbs up when she knows I will be proud. She is willing to venture out more both at home and at places like the playground trusting we will be right where she left us. And this little girl who just a few months ago literally shrieked when we closed our eyes and bowed our heads to pray is now the precious one leading our dinner prayers. At bedtime after our story is read she leaps into my lap knowing she will receive a blessing before bed. And now that we have known each other for 3 months, I have to say that not only do I love this little girl, I like this little girl as well.

To adopt from China there is a LOT of prep work from paperwork to learning about attachment and bonding. Although Kinley was only 3.5 years old, she was considered an older child adoption. While three years old is not a baby, it is also not an older child in the sense of understanding what is going on through being thrust into the arms of a new family and toted to the other side of the world and into an entirely new culture. In hindsight, we may have underestimated the challenges that layed before us 3 months ago. Or perhaps God was protecting all of our hearts and just asking us to keep our faith in him. And as he has done so many times before, he once again has carried us through to the other side. His ways are always best.

I said to Steve tonight, maybe we could do this one more time???

Home one month

To share or not to share. I have pondered writing this post for a while now. I wonder who my audience will be. My thoughts are that my desire is to share this with PAP/AP and not necessarily the public at large. However, maybe it isn't such a bad thing for those surrounding adoption and those simply curious about adoption to read this if they are so inclined.

We contemplated a second adoption for quite some time. As a part of that process we dreamed and discussed ~ boy or girl, how old and also what special needs we were open to.

On November 1, 2013, we started the official "paper chase" to adopt Kinley. Due to her special need, we strongly desired medical expedition to bring her to better, potentially life saving healthcare as soon as possible. Our social worker will attest that I was very persistent about forging through the paperwork process. I "thought" my worries were based on the potential gravity of her medical needs. Perhaps, in hindsight, I have learned the Holy Spirit prompted me as my daughter needed a family before her attachment to her caregivers could become any stronger.

Some adoptive parents will tell you they fall in love with a picture or maybe the idea of who their child will be. Most will reluctantly admit that wasn't their story nor was it mine. The pictures of Kinley were mostly her bald little head with a sweet and vulnerable smile. The updates we received were that she was a shy and very reserved little child. In anticipation of her adoption, I believe the emotion I mostly felt was obedience (is that even an emotion?)

We got through the paper chase and countless hoops in record time. We left for China on Friday, April 19th and shortly after 2:30 pm on Monday, April 22nd Kinley was thrust into my arms by the adoption coordinator from her SWI. Steve, Kinley and I shared tears before someone wisely suggested we distract her with a toy. Within the first hour we were showered with smiles and even some giggles. Inside of me, I felt nothing.

During the two weeks we spent in China, I had no trouble going through the necessary motions to mother our newest daughter. Regularly I inventoried the emotions of my husband and 16 year old daughter who were promptly falling head over heels for Kinley. And in turn, Kinley was a relatively easy going little girl who only started showing her spirit towards the end of our time in China. She is 3.5 years old, quite capable, of her own opinion and not old enough to understand much of anything going on around her.

Two weeks later we packed up and headed home to begin the rest of our lives, however, I felt like we were bringing someone else's child with us. I was begrudgingly taking responsibility for someone I had no feelings for.

Enter sinus infection, jet lag, and a 3 year old Mandarin speaking child who was grieving heavily. The first two weeks home were downright miserable. No sugar coating there. My lack of feelings had developed into feelings of resentment. Where did my perfect life go? Did I misunderstand God's calling for me? Was this not the child God intended for our family? How could I escape? Every day included tears and tantrums by both me and my new daughter.

During this adoption, I made a much bigger committment not to leave God out of it. I was determined to lean on His strength. Wow, did I have no idea just how much I would need that strength. I cried out to Him to carry me. I had no strength to take a single step. I had met my rock bottom.

My ever faithful Father met me and carried me through. He sent His love through a very patient husband and amazingly (understatement of the year) helpful teenagers. He sent wisdom through the guidance of two different social workers, through the words of others who had experienced the same type of experiences and most of all wisdom through His words. With my limited strength, He knew just where I needed to open the bible to find the words to encourage me forward.

And then I reached out to a friend who had made herself vulnerable sharing her own adoption heartaches with me years earlier. Who leaves their newly adopted child to meet a friend? I did. But the time with my dear friend provided me the words I needed to hear. I layed it all out for her to hear and she never looked shocked to hear any of it. The best wisdom He sent to me was through her words. She reminded me that my goal here, my focus here, is to teach Kinley about Him. This adoption is about His daughter, not mine. My job is to teach her to know Him and to love Him. I needed to take the emphasis off of how I felt about Kinley.

I look back at my journal which was sporadically filled out during the first month. Day 1, day 7, day 15...nothing. No feelings of love. I kept going through the motions. I recognized Kinley was becoming anxiously attached. There were too many adult figures in our house and she was clinging to whoever was nearest. Thankfully the energy I had started to regain allowed me to recall and utilize all that pre-adoption education we received. We implemented new strategies and I started to spend pretty much all day every day with Kinley helping her identify me as mom. She in turn, was now clinging to just me. Her grieving began to include some serious tantrums and I was becoming exhausted all over again.

And then it happened. She started to let her guard down. She wasn't always trying to entertain us. There were more genuine smiles (still between the tantrums). I was starting to feel something inside of me. The "fake it til you feel it" attitude I had taken on seemed to be paying off. Trusting the advice of countless others to "just give it time" seemed to hold some merit. I suspected the growing emotion inside of me was the start of love for this very deserving little girl. Days went by and I didn't feel confident enough to say those words out loud. And then one night as I was tucking Kinley in, I decided it was time to let my own guard down. I looked her deep in the eyes and told her what I so desperately wished I could have told her 6 weeks before. I told her "I love you". It was the sweetest moment as she held my gaze and then as though she had been waiting a long time to hear those words she leaned forward and kissed me right on the lips. This mama who usually loves kisses and hugs had averted most of Kinley's kisses and especially any headed for my lips. Somehow, however, at this moment it was the most natural thing in the world.

The tantrums are still there but have slowed down signficantly and seem to be over something instead of nothing. She still likes to be held and get a feeling of security when she wakes in the morning or from nap but she will now scurry out of my arms to go play once settled. She is able to play with her older sisters or brother but happily returns to mom's arms. We are still a work in progress. Heck, aren't we all. Last night she was up for 1.5 hours in the middle of the night for who know's why. But somehow when I picked her up to rock her, she molded herself to my body. I realized that until last night I didn't even realize I was missing that part.

This has been the most difficult time of my life. Knowing you have taken on the lifetime responsibility, by your own choice, to care for another person that you have feelings of resentment for is overwhelming. The reality is well meaning friends and family are ill-equipped to handle this type of information so you tell them what they want to hear. "oh yeah, it's been hard but, sure, it's getting better". I am thankful for the other adoptive parents out there who have gone before us and were willing to put their experiences out there to let people like me know I am not alone. And I am thankful, yes thankful, that God has called us on this adventure once again. I do believe we grow most in the valleys. Not something that rolls off the tongue while you are in the valley, however.

I am thankful that I serve a God who patiently and lovingly proved his faithfulness yet one more time in my life. I am undeserving. I am blessed.

The first three or so weeks, Kinley literally screamed and cried and shrieked if the dogs were ANYWHERE around. They spent their time behind bars in the laundry room or outside when she was around. Then something clicked over about a 24 hour period. Now 95% of the time, she likes to interact with them. ???

This girl is oh so flexible. She loves to dance to just about anything. In her carseat, she bobs her head along to whatever is playing :)

Home - Hit some turbulence upon re-entry

Thank you for the emails and texts checking on our well being. Sorry for falling off the face of the earth but as you can guess we did make it home all in one piece.

Having gone through child birth with 3 kids I somewhat equate the flight to labor. At the end of the second and third pregnancy there is this "oh no" moment when you remember you have to go through labor and delivery before you get that precious child. Knowing a full day of travel was ahead of us kind of felt the same way. However, I am more than happy to report it went well and is all just a foggy memory at this point.


Our wonderful travel group

The Million dollar shot of 2 kids looking out at our plane

Steve looking a little worn (with one bad eye) and Liam enjoying stretching out. One time it pays to be short !!

Mom and Jenna looking a LOT worn and Kinley snoozing~

My one ditch attempt and capturing the look on Lauren and Ryan's faces as we got home. XOXOXOX

Our wonderful family and friends who greeted us at the airport. Most of what you read says to keep welcome home gatherings small but Steve and I said before and will say again, we needed it more than Kinley didn't need it.

I would say Kinley has Ryan right where she wants him. I didn't choose the picture that clearly shows he is wearing a headband and playing baby dolls at this time.

Lauren was such a blessing and worked with Ryan to be ready to welcome us home. She may never completely realize what a gift she gave us.

This might work out after all ~ Kinley even likes riding shotgun with Liam !

Poor Jenna went back to school on Monday to a mountain of school work to make up. The sacrifice she made for 2 weeks to help us in China was made so selflessly. She was rewarded upon returning home Monday with a big kiss.

The two seater wagon now has two passengers

Enjoying some wind down time before bed with popcorn and a movie

So despite the relatively smooth flight and cute pictures, this has been the hardest thing we have ever done in our lives. The truth is that Kinley will probably want to read this one day and no one wants to put their entire life out there for the world to see. Please just know we covet your prayers. I am not one who likes to talk much about what isn't going well so truth is if you ask I will probably share the things going well.

Upon feeling like I am living minute to minute at this time, I made a point of opening my bible this week much to the dismay of a 3 year old. As she made her discontent known I opened up to

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:2-4

Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him. James 1:12

Thank you for following along. You may never know how much a simple email, blog comment, text or FB comment can help and we have appreciated each and every one of them. I haven't been great about following up with many or being very thoughtful of other people's needs right now and for that I apologize. Praying it will only get better.

Day 13 Ready to be home...yesterday

We are tired. Adoption is hard. We are ready to be home...yesterday.

The desire to adopt stemmed from God's calling for our family. The excitement of this trip was real. The pictures you have seen are genuine, the real deal. He has remained faithful and gone before us every step of the way. However, all that doesn't take away from how hard it is.

When we adopted Liam it was hard for different reasons. He was so small, so needy and depended on us for everything. Adopting a self-sufficient and highly spirited 3 year old is a different story. When she has pitched a fit I try to remember that however I am feeling, she must be feeling exponentially more fear and anxiety. I am the grown up. I am the one who understands the big picture. I am the one calling the shots. I am the one who knows what tomorrow will look like as best as anyone can. She, however, has to try to trust someone she has known 11 days of her life. How can she even start to trust us or anyone for that matter.

Children in China find their way to the orphanage through abandonment. There is no social worker who tries to help the family work things out. Parents who desire life for their child but are unable to provide it, will usually abandon their child in a public place so that the probability of being found is increased. The trauma that must cause is more than we can imagine. However, we can't ignore it because we are experiencing the consequences of it first hand.

Now factor in the language barrier. Trying to communicate with any 3 year old can present it's challenges. However, trying to understand and anticipate the needs of a 33 inch Mandarin speaking child is harder than we could have guessed. There is a comfort in the silence that comes with someone you know well. We are a far way from that.

Today was our last official hurdle; the day that this entire trip revolved around...our consulate appointment. We spent the rest of the day on Shamian Island and enjoyed strolling around the pretty streets. Tomorrow (Friday)we will sit in wait of receiving Kinley's golden ticket to the good ole' U.S. of A. It is set to be picked up around 3:30 pm and we are outta here on a 5:33 train to Hong Kong! After another night overseas we will board a plane (Saturday) for 15 more hours (with a 33 inch non English-speaking, highly spirited 3 year old) before we return to Chicago. Somehow with the time change we will land about the same time we took off??? Something like 108 hours, give or take, we will return home Saturday evening to St. Louis to begin the rest of our lives.

When we left China the last time, we had suspected there was a chance we would be back to adopt again. As we prepare to leave this time we are anticipating it will be a final farewell. If Kinley were first and Liam second, I know we would be saying the same thing. This mama is smart enough to know there is only so much of us grown ups to go around. That plus the fact we have a van that only seats 7!

Thanks for your prayers and support as we prepared for this adventure and as we begin the next chapter. I understand the blog wasn't very cooperative about allowing comments but we certainly felt your prayers and well wishes. Enjoy the final pictures from Guangzhou.

Love,
Paige, Steve, Jenna, Liam and Kinley
(Lauren and Ryan holding it together at home)

Sights around our hotel; Blowing bubbles by the Koi pond, a beautiful waterfall and a pretty Chinese mural (moments later the 2 littles got scolded in Chinese for going under and behind the red velvet rope)



Some of the beautiful statues on Shamian Island. Kinley's immediate response to seeing this was to go up and slap the dog on the head. I am not sure whether this applies to all dogs (sorry Max and Toby) or just Pugs (sorry in advance to Gracie!!)
The 'Lucy's' picture is just for our dear friend Mike Arnold; "thinking of you"!!!



Not certain whether Kinley thought these little statues of children were real?? She was enamored with this little boy carefully examining his nose, his fingertips and his arms. She then offered her silly bandz and when he didn't reach for it she stepped closer and finally put it on him herself. She was probably thinking what an ungrateful little person. Liam, of course, followed her lead and offered his bandz as well.

Days 11-12

Tuesday we ventured on a highly anticipated outing to the Safari Park. Everyone who has gone has shared it was the highlight (with the exception of meeting their child) of the trip. The day started off promising with the sun peeking through for pretty much the first time since we have been here. We caught an early breakfast then broke from the rest of our group who headed with their little ones to the Guangzhou Zoo. We had debated the timing of our trip and had considered last week but didn't want to overwhelm Kinley with such a big outing so soon. As is turned out, it was probably still way too soon. Bless her heart that we don't have the ability to communicate with words to understand but this mama understands body language pretty well.

We arrived at the zoo and took an amazing tour on what they call 'Safari on Wheels'. We were at arms length with many animals and still not 100% certain how they keep some of the more dangerous animals in their habitats. That part alone was worth the trip (or so I keep trying to tell myself). The day was becoming beastly hot and humid as we ventured onward. We took in some exhibits and headed to the elephant show. It was every bit as good as our friends' the Arnolds had shared. Monday-Wednesday are holiday here so we were wtih thousands of our closest Chinese friends. In the midst of the show, the heavens opened up and out came a deluge of rain. Back up to a couple of hours earlier when we decided we didn't need to tote our umbrellas around for the day so left them with our driver.

The rain was hit or miss for a while and then it became clear it was there to stay. We hunkered in a lunch place with probably 86% of the occupants of the park when the height of the storm passed over. We were quite the spectacle as we decided we best still get these littles their lunch. I stood in the middle of both strollers facing me. Jenna stood behind and handed me lunch accessories. Steve stood in front of me with the lunch tray. I proceeded to alternate feeding bite after bite until their little mouths stopped opening. We think the smiles of onlookers meant they approved. Towards the end, a young woman came up and spoke to us in her limited English. She was sweet and told us we were good parents. She asked where we were from. Then as we prepared to head to the exit she offered to come home with us???? Not sure if that is what she really meant to say and it also makes me wonder what I might be saying when I am attempting to communicate with Kinley???

We decided to plan on visiting the Safari Park when we return one day on the children's Heritage Tour and try not to be too upset over the rain out. (however, please don't bring it up! LOL)

I am guessing our quest to meet Kinley's needs in the midst of the day earned us some brownie points. The true highlight was when it came to nap time. As always, I offered to have her cuddle in the bed or go in her crib. She reluctantly pointed to the bed. She had this look on her face like she had been contemplating this decision all day. Needless to say, I decided I could easily take a nap as well. I hunkered down between the two kiddos (taking one for the team of course). She still takes quite a while to wind down (thanks Cherie M. for teaching me about getting regulated...I would have thought she was OCD) Kinley even gave me her monkey to sleep with!

At story time before bed, she again made the same choice. Baba lovingly and in his animated way brought 'Pout Pout Fish' to life. She was even making fish faces throughout the story. After lights out, she got antsy so Steve asked where she wanted to get settled and she picked the crib. I had gone out into the other room. However, when I came in a short while later little Miss re-thought her decision and had climbed back into the bed. Talk about a HUGE step in the trust department. Maybe our mishap at the Safari Park was all worth it.

Today we headed to Shamian Island with our group. We spent only a short while doing some power shopping. It was the prettiest day we have had here. Our group then went for an amazing lunch. Not surprising when we let our guides order how good the food is. Looking forward to feeding the Koi and bubble blowing this evening.

We are so happy to be in the home stretch. The homesickness has been helped this trip by having Jenna and Liam with us. However, we miss Lauren and Ryan like crazy. Other things I miss from home: 5 point harnesses/child safety seats, green lights meaning go and red lights meaning stop, cars abiding by those white lines in the road, and my own mattress even if it is 17 years old.

Pictures: Safari park-my fav the giraffes, cute baby and cute but no so efficient stroller, curious Chinese clowns, Liam teaching Kinley how to raid the mini-bar, Steve exploring just how comfortable (or not) it is to sit like so many Chinese we see, the littles playing Memory, bedtime stories with daddy, a beautiful Christian shop owner, Jenny with her son Michael, people taking pictures of our littles as we took their pictures, and Liam pointing out the warning sign on the window that says "in the interest of safety, please do not push on the glass"...as he pushes on the glass.