We contemplated a second adoption for quite some time. As a part of that process we dreamed and discussed ~ boy or girl, how old and also what special needs we were open to.
On November 1, 2013, we started the official "paper chase" to adopt Kinley. Due to her special need, we strongly desired medical expedition to bring her to better, potentially life saving healthcare as soon as possible. Our social worker will attest that I was very persistent about forging through the paperwork process. I "thought" my worries were based on the potential gravity of her medical needs. Perhaps, in hindsight, I have learned the Holy Spirit prompted me as my daughter needed a family before her attachment to her caregivers could become any stronger.
Some adoptive parents will tell you they fall in love with a picture or maybe the idea of who their child will be. Most will reluctantly admit that wasn't their story nor was it mine. The pictures of Kinley were mostly her bald little head with a sweet and vulnerable smile. The updates we received were that she was a shy and very reserved little child. In anticipation of her adoption, I believe the emotion I mostly felt was obedience (is that even an emotion?)
We got through the paper chase and countless hoops in record time. We left for China on Friday, April 19th and shortly after 2:30 pm on Monday, April 22nd Kinley was thrust into my arms by the adoption coordinator from her SWI. Steve, Kinley and I shared tears before someone wisely suggested we distract her with a toy. Within the first hour we were showered with smiles and even some giggles. Inside of me, I felt nothing.
During the two weeks we spent in China, I had no trouble going through the necessary motions to mother our newest daughter. Regularly I inventoried the emotions of my husband and 16 year old daughter who were promptly falling head over heels for Kinley. And in turn, Kinley was a relatively easy going little girl who only started showing her spirit towards the end of our time in China. She is 3.5 years old, quite capable, of her own opinion and not old enough to understand much of anything going on around her.
Two weeks later we packed up and headed home to begin the rest of our lives, however, I felt like we were bringing someone else's child with us. I was begrudgingly taking responsibility for someone I had no feelings for.
Enter sinus infection, jet lag, and a 3 year old Mandarin speaking child who was grieving heavily. The first two weeks home were downright miserable. No sugar coating there. My lack of feelings had developed into feelings of resentment. Where did my perfect life go? Did I misunderstand God's calling for me? Was this not the child God intended for our family? How could I escape? Every day included tears and tantrums by both me and my new daughter.
During this adoption, I made a much bigger committment not to leave God out of it. I was determined to lean on His strength. Wow, did I have no idea just how much I would need that strength. I cried out to Him to carry me. I had no strength to take a single step. I had met my rock bottom.
My ever faithful Father met me and carried me through. He sent His love through a very patient husband and amazingly (understatement of the year) helpful teenagers. He sent wisdom through the guidance of two different social workers, through the words of others who had experienced the same type of experiences and most of all wisdom through His words. With my limited strength, He knew just where I needed to open the bible to find the words to encourage me forward.
And then I reached out to a friend who had made herself vulnerable sharing her own adoption heartaches with me years earlier. Who leaves their newly adopted child to meet a friend? I did. But the time with my dear friend provided me the words I needed to hear. I layed it all out for her to hear and she never looked shocked to hear any of it. The best wisdom He sent to me was through her words. She reminded me that my goal here, my focus here, is to teach Kinley about Him. This adoption is about His daughter, not mine. My job is to teach her to know Him and to love Him. I needed to take the emphasis off of how I felt about Kinley.
I look back at my journal which was sporadically filled out during the first month. Day 1, day 7, day 15...nothing. No feelings of love. I kept going through the motions. I recognized Kinley was becoming anxiously attached. There were too many adult figures in our house and she was clinging to whoever was nearest. Thankfully the energy I had started to regain allowed me to recall and utilize all that pre-adoption education we received. We implemented new strategies and I started to spend pretty much all day every day with Kinley helping her identify me as mom. She in turn, was now clinging to just me. Her grieving began to include some serious tantrums and I was becoming exhausted all over again.
And then it happened. She started to let her guard down. She wasn't always trying to entertain us. There were more genuine smiles (still between the tantrums). I was starting to feel something inside of me. The "fake it til you feel it" attitude I had taken on seemed to be paying off. Trusting the advice of countless others to "just give it time" seemed to hold some merit. I suspected the growing emotion inside of me was the start of love for this very deserving little girl. Days went by and I didn't feel confident enough to say those words out loud. And then one night as I was tucking Kinley in, I decided it was time to let my own guard down. I looked her deep in the eyes and told her what I so desperately wished I could have told her 6 weeks before. I told her "I love you". It was the sweetest moment as she held my gaze and then as though she had been waiting a long time to hear those words she leaned forward and kissed me right on the lips. This mama who usually loves kisses and hugs had averted most of Kinley's kisses and especially any headed for my lips. Somehow, however, at this moment it was the most natural thing in the world.
The tantrums are still there but have slowed down signficantly and seem to be over something instead of nothing. She still likes to be held and get a feeling of security when she wakes in the morning or from nap but she will now scurry out of my arms to go play once settled. She is able to play with her older sisters or brother but happily returns to mom's arms. We are still a work in progress. Heck, aren't we all. Last night she was up for 1.5 hours in the middle of the night for who know's why. But somehow when I picked her up to rock her, she molded herself to my body. I realized that until last night I didn't even realize I was missing that part.
This has been the most difficult time of my life. Knowing you have taken on the lifetime responsibility, by your own choice, to care for another person that you have feelings of resentment for is overwhelming. The reality is well meaning friends and family are ill-equipped to handle this type of information so you tell them what they want to hear. "oh yeah, it's been hard but, sure, it's getting better". I am thankful for the other adoptive parents out there who have gone before us and were willing to put their experiences out there to let people like me know I am not alone. And I am thankful, yes thankful, that God has called us on this adventure once again. I do believe we grow most in the valleys. Not something that rolls off the tongue while you are in the valley, however.
I am thankful that I serve a God who patiently and lovingly proved his faithfulness yet one more time in my life. I am undeserving. I am blessed.
The first three or so weeks, Kinley literally screamed and cried and shrieked if the dogs were ANYWHERE around. They spent their time behind bars in the laundry room or outside when she was around. Then something clicked over about a 24 hour period. Now 95% of the time, she likes to interact with them. ???
This girl is oh so flexible. She loves to dance to just about anything. In her carseat, she bobs her head along to whatever is playing :)
